Alos.Network

The Only CDN That’s Fast Consistently Down.

Welcome to AlosCDN — where uptime is optional, caching is theoretical, and our availability graph looks like an EKG. If it loads, that’s basically a feature.

Try Your Luck View Outages (Spoiler: Yes)

CDN Status

DOWN

Last checked: literally a second ago

Preview:
🚫 404 — CDN Not Found
Try turning it off and on again (he probably forgot).

Industry-Leading Downtime

Most CDNs brag about 99.99% uptime. We bravely do the opposite. Our servers go down so often we’re basically a meditation app now.

Chaos-Powered Caching

Does your content get cached? Maybe! Will it stay cached? That’s between you and God. Our caching strategy is basically a swarm of digital ants fighting.

AI-Generated Excuses

Every outage automatically generates a new excuse. “Unexpected squirrel attack,” “server needed a nap,” or the classic: “It works on my machine.”

Pricing (If You Can Call It That)

CDN Starter (AKA: “Good Luck”)

$5 Dabloons

≈ 2 USD per month

  • 500 monthly visits (if the servers are awake)
  • 3 subdomains before things break
  • Auto SSL (sometimes)
  • Support response time: 3–5 business years
  • Unlimited WAF rules (none of which work)
  • 1 Domain included (no refunds)
MOST UNRELIABLE

CDN Premium (The “Probably Down” Plan)

$15 Dabloons

≈ 10 USD per month

  • 5k monthly visits (don’t ask how)
  • 10 subdomains before total meltdown
  • Auto SSL (signs but forgets to apply)
  • Priority support (we read your ticket out loud)
  • Unlimited WAF rules (still useless)
  • 1 Domain included (comes with free stress)

CDN Business (For Masochists)

$30 Dabloons

≈ 20 USD per month

  • 20k monthly visits (good luck hitting that)
  • 50 subdomains (why though?)
  • Auto SSL (randomly expires at 3am)
  • Premium support (we send memes instead of fixes)
  • Unlimited WAF rules (running on hopes & dreams)
  • 2 Domains included (double the chaos)

System Status (It's Not Good)

●

Sydney Node

Status: DOWN

Been offline since “the incident.”

●

Virginia

Status: DOWN

Went out for “maintenance.” Never came back.

●

Oregon

Status: DOWN

CPU melted itself trying to handle 3 requests.

All systems are experiencing a 100% outage. (This is normal.)

Need Help? (We Probably Can't Fix It)

Our support team is standing by 24/7 to pretend they're looking into your issue. Response times vary between 3 hours and never.

Contact “Support” aka Grok,Claude,ChatGPT

Warning: Opening a ticket may cause additional downtime.